Chapter 12: The Delve
Hey there. Long time no see! A lot has happened since the last blog post so let’s dive right in. As I’ve said before, I don’t do so well with time. The latest update was actually given in this blog post here, in case you need a refresher. So yes, the last blog post is not actually current, which is a redundancy in every language other than English. Oh, the joys of English.
But English being a pain in the arse isn’t the cause of this hiatus. In the span of 9 months, so much has happened that I’m having trouble knowing where to start. Well, I have trouble with that regardless, actually. And always have. I guess I’ll start from the start, which picks up somewhere in the middle of some story I was trying to tell(?)
While I was getting ready for my master’s to begin, my family recovered from COVID, after which I felt both frustrated and relieved. While I was happy not to be the one to get my parents sick, I had already grown tired of being stuck at home with my family with nothing to do. The quarantine process only intensified those feelings, and I ended up in a relationship that did me more harm than good, ended up breaking it off and moving out of my parent’s house, hoping that the reset in environment would help reset my mind. And my mind certainly needed a reset.
Around this time, Pat offered I stay at his place in Atlanta. He was still in Texas, taking care of business and my good buddy Matt ‘Old Hips’, who I’m not sure whether I’ve properly introduced in the blogs, was the one who talked some sense into me, which was greatly needed as I wasn’t doing real well and needed to get my head right to start this Master’s program correctly. Ole Hips certainly deserves his own chapter with a proper introduction, as he was the one who introduced me to climbing. As he recovered from his surgeries, I returned the favor and got him into the Chatt scene, trad climbing, and other excursions, taking him through the same rites of passage I once went through. Living the leisurely life vicariously through Matt, I felt somewhat refreshed being able to climb outdoors again with a partner, as I spent the last couple of months living a life indoors.
Matt’s First Multipitch at Linville
Most of my life has been spent indoors and I was completely content with that. But taking that gap year in between my undergrad and grad school, I realized that wasn’t the case anymore. And as a result, school didn’t quite feel the same when I started up again in the fall. Originally, I was worried that I wouldn’t have any discipline when it comes to schoolwork. But the crux of returning to school was in finding a balance between the old city boy and the new outdoorsman that I had grown into. And this divide ended up creating a rift in my mind that I am still struggling to navigate/negotiate. And I thought I was Pathfinder.. Because I’ve never had balance in my life, I’ve only ever sought extremes. Returning to school, I thought I could just return to my old self and ended up lost. And by old self, I mean my old new self. And by that, I don’t even know what I mean. I’ve been on every end of the social spectrum, I used to be interested in just about everything and care about no one at the same time. When I was a kid in France, my dad’s celebrity friends would ask “Do you know who I am?” and meanwhile, I’d look up from my Gameboy and reply with brutal honesty, that no, I didn’t know and didn’t care, regardless of the person’s stature.
In contrast, I was the class clown in 8th grade and socialized with everyone when I could finally speak English well enough, only to my father’s chagrin. I’ve only ever seen him cry twice in my life and that was probably the first. In my family, we don’t show emotion or try not to, so as to not burden one another. Except perhaps for anger. But that day, my father wasn’t angry that he gave up everything he had for us to move to America, only for his son never to give a single shit about it. I don’t think I even knew how he felt in that moment. My mother asked me yesterday, why her boy doesn’t share his stories and emotions. I’ve often asked the same thing, not ever caring for societal conventions. And when I finally took school seriously, several years later, I stopped caring about society as a whole. Which makes little sense, really. You would think I wouldn’t care to work if I didn’t care to be in society. But to me, the only thing that ever mattered was never seeing my father upset like that again. So I stopped socializing and focused on my studies, and finally became a good student for the first time in my life. It took until college for me to be good at school and so, I’m now doing my Master’s. I enjoy the subject but I hate the bureaucracy and rules of school. And while I was slightly excited for a change and some extra stimulation in my life, compared to the dullness of post COVID life, I ended up with some school troubles near the end of the semester.
While I finished the semester with all problems resolved, I felt like all of the problems in my life had resurfaced. In this last year prior to my masters, I felt the happiest I’ve ever felt, not dealing with any stress and enjoying social interaction yet again. Especially after being so antisocial and disillusioned with the world for so long. The Chossy Trio Renegades, which was recently featured in Common Climber, had grown a lot and I had grown alongside it.
CTR in Common Climber anthology
So was it the growth that made me happy? I’ve grown my whole life. But knowing some amazing human beings for once, I dropped that guard of mine that I had kept for such a long time. The guard that defended me when I was bullied for being unable to speak in English. The one that defended me when I was attacked for talking too much and the one that defended me when I said nothing and I was attacked for being me, and not being one of them.
And you know, it was the perfect time to drop my guard. Being a man of leisure, I had no cares in the world and emptied my head of the expectations I had for life and others, caring only to enjoy the simplicities of life, any other niceties being a bonus. I felt free. Instead, I now feel so constrained by the own walls that I’m putting up yet again, those that imprison me, a man who once tasted the freedom of the vast outdoors.
But it’s not just the outdoors that play a role. It was escaping the confines of my mind. And now, I feel the same as I did that once, when I focused only on my studies, because I had grown disinterested in the human world and more interested in the world I could create in my mind and my mind alone. What a contradiction that is, knowing that this knowledge was only made possible by my friends and teachers. This blog certainly wouldn’t be here without it.
But since COVID, everyone has moved on to their own lives and I hardly see my friends as frequently as I once did before, even when I’m free. It seems everyone is busy but I need a fix of that dopamine I was getting when I would climb and explore as before, with my good friends. But everywhere I look, I’m reminded of how I felt before.
That no one deserves my kindness, because it knows no limits. As I said, I only deal in extremes. And it makes it that much harder to open up to people, feeling like people just come and go no matter what. That there isn’t ever anyone other than yourself that’ll stick by you forever.
So, like Wally bud says: it’s harder to have a kind heart. Except I won’t quote it because he doesn’t say that, just something to that effect. Regardless, most of my life I’ve only shown anger. So I can’t really say I’m all that kind. It’s more so that my love knows no limits. I don’t want to do the whole anger thing anymore. But I’m also a terrible judge of character and naive when it comes to people. So I put myself in these situations and it makes me angry. Just this weekend, I invited a new friend into a cave only to realize, they weren’t my friend. They just wanted to take advantage of a great opportunity. and it hurts because I’m sensitive. But a man isn’t supposed to show his sensitive side. So with all of my good friends busy, with limited time and resources and with so many people who waste my time, is it hard to understand why I am the way I am? When I had all the time in the world, I had no expectations. And yes, I realize it is partly on me to adjust my expectations and expect less. But it’s easier said than done.
It’s just funny to reflect on all of the adventures I had previously, and the charmed life I lived, a little teaser while I spend the next 2-3 years in school. Short on time and short on resources, not earning a paycheck, I decided to move back home recently. Life is a bunch of ups and downs. And recently, most of them have been spent in a cave, which is probably the only cool thing I’ve done and I’m so grateful to know Elliot, who I most likely haven’t introduced to this blog either. I know I spent a lot of this blog post lamenting a boring last couple of months and a lack of bombproof human beings, as Wally would say, but hanging out with Elliot and Wally has been amazing recently and I’m glad to have them and all of the CTR members as my friends. If anything, the back-to-back negative experiences I’ve had with new people recently and the lack of excitement in my life makes me realize how rare these people and experiences are and how much I have to yet to learn about being a good person. During my winter break, I tried to set all of these discipline challenges, I tried to get myself climbing as much as possible but only ended up with back to back injuries and upset myself even more, having all these expectations of how Winter Break would be amazing and a good time to catch up on all the experiences I missed out on. Instead, I spent most of the time trying to work ahead in school and burnt myself out. I guess I also have a lot to learn about myself still.
Wrap Up
In short, I’m busy. Everyone is busy. Things are different. But I still love outdoor climbing. And I guess my way of saying “I miss you” is different. But I miss my good friends and the great outdoor adventures we had. I can be a little stubborn and hyperfocused sometimes and miss out on the real goal I’m aiming for. And hell, I certainly didn’t hit any of the points I thought I’d hit in this blog post. The good moments were few and far between so sometimes I forget to acknowledge them.
Here’s a Good Moment
But this was quite the moment! I should celebrate them more and lament the lack of them less, I guess. As Wally-bud says, ride the high!
It was hard to share a lot of my frustrations in a way that makes sense because I don’t feel like singling out anyone that made my life a little bit worse last year and this year, whether intentional or not. I shouldn’t even say it like that but I’m bad at choosing my words, which makes me a slower speaker. Anyway, I think I can single myself out. The reflections help me learn to limit the restraints I’ve placed on myself in the past, to let myself live a little bit more and to forget about the stress I create for myself. Like stressing less about grades in school, starting to lower my expectations, and exploring new avenues for adventure. Or rather, old avenues that have been there, like caving, and simply appreciating them a little bit more than I did before. Because I know that it was the same with climbing, when Matt took me the first time. At first I hated it and then I ended up loving it. And this weekend was the first weekend where I had an amazing caving experience on Friday (except for dying my hands blue/black… DON’T USE LEATHER) But I let one person get me down on Saturday because I expected proper friendship, which I’m starting to appreciate is rare, and the person fell short of my expectations. Oh and another goal I have is to write more, so that I actually process my emotions.. But I’ve said that so many times this year. It’s the one goal that seems reasonable I’ve just had so many off days that I fall off track and never end up writing or having the time and energy to do so.
P.S: I absolutely hate how this is written but I think that’s probably the best reason for me to post it. Cheers